


Scattered Heartbeats

by RavenDos



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe- Friends With Benefits, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 13:21:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14955455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenDos/pseuds/RavenDos
Summary: “Was it some sort of punishment? No one deserved to love someone whose heart already had someone else. He wished it wasn't like this. But it didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter what he had wanted.”Shoma and Yuzuru are friends with benefits who both want more, but things aren’t as simple and straightforward as they seem.





	Scattered Heartbeats

**Author's Note:**

> New fic!  
> Thank you for your patience in betaing mresundance.
> 
> I made a playlist to set the mood.

Shoma was chanting Yuzuru’s name, breathily saying it with such reverence one would think it was a prayer. His hands which had been  clenching the sheets, clung to every part of Yuzuru he could reach. 

It was like a scenario right out of his dreams, his restless mind creating fantasies of what would happen if Yuzuru and him spent  another night with each other when they met. 

Shoma gasps at how Yuzuru’s mouth latched  on to his neck. He closed his eyes, focusing on the exhilarating sensation and unaware of anything else.

Not when Yuzuru was here. Warm and tangible and everything that Shoma would ever want. He was chasing away his own scent of chocolate and replacing it with his own musky one. Yuzuru trailed  searing kisses along Shoma’s skin, making it out break in goosebumps. 

Shoma’s face was tinged  pink. His cock was throbbing between his legs. 

 

“Touch me please,” Shoma dares to pant out, staring up at Yuzuru intensely.

Yuzuru pauses, tracing patterns on his skin. Only fingertips skimming  across his heated flesh.

He wants to whimper. Yuzuru was teasing him.

“I already am,” Yuzuru says playfully, a smirk on his lips. Shoma could only imagine how he must look to Yuzuru now, wide-eyed and needy.

Shoma bit at already chapped lips. He knew what game Yuzuru wanted him to play. He curses Yuzuru internally for teasing him when he was so desperate for touch, and also curses himself because he was helpless when it came to the other man. Of course, he would play along. 

Resigning himself, Shoma looks up at Yuzuru.

"Please touch me," he begs, trying not to sound desperate and failing. He sees a flash of  shock on Yuzuru's face. Yuzuru looks pleasantly surprised, as if he had not expected Shoma to play along. Shoma  feels a little bolder seeing that. He smiles, smug. 

He grabs Yuzuru's hand and directed it to where he wanted. 

"Here."

"Please," he added for good measure because the warmth of Yuzuru's sweaty hand was making him impossibly harder and more aroused.

Just that touch felt like a flame wracking inside his body, threatening to consume him. 

Yuzuru's hand curls. His pumps were not hard, not gentle either, but somehow just enough to make the heat simmering under Shoma’s skin burn more intensely. Shoma wishes he would do it faster, grip firmer, but he knew Yuzuru liked drawing things out.

He bites his lips again to stifle his moan.

Yuzuru pumps his hand again and stills, making Shoma squirm. God,  Shoma had never wanted someone as much as he wanted Yuzuru Hanyu.

He was about to whine at the lack of touch when Yuzuru leans close to his face, so close he could feel his warm breath on his flushed skin.

"Stop biting your lips. They're chapped enough. Besides...I want to hear you, Shoma."

Yuzuru’s voice was husky, seductive.

His mouth utters Shoma's name sweetly while a finger strokes the under vein of his cock as another hand cups his balls.

Shoma groans.

“Just like that, Shoma.”

Yuzuru smiles languidly, pleased, and continues.

Shoma tries to buck his hips, thrusting into the warmth of Yuzuru’s hand around him, but Yuzuru completely takes it away and makes him lie back down on the bed to Shoma's frustration and puzzlement.

Yuzuru settles himself on top of Shoma, pinning him with his weight. Yuzuru kisses him full on the lips then pulls back slightly to lick his bottom lip. Shoma parts them invitingly, and Yuzuru slides his tongue in. He kisses him long, slow, and filthy. 

“Shoma,” he pants above him.

A string of saliva connects them momentarily when Yuzuru pulls back. For a hazy moment, Shoma thinks he would have liked if the other just stayed there and kissed him breathless, but then Yuzuru part his legs and slides between them, finally reaching where Shoma ached, seemingly intent on giving Shoma release with just his hand.

Shoma could feel heat building, about to consume him. He was so close. Just a few more touches from Yuzuru, and he would release. Between him and Yuzuru, he did have better stamina, and oh did he like it when they went slow, unrushed and focused on each other’s pleasure. However, he had waited so long for this, had even dreamed of them together like this again. It hadn’t even been more than weeks ago since they had slept together, but it could have been years to him. He had been craving the sensation of Yuzuru’s hands on him, of their physical intimacy. Yuzuru was fire, simmering heat and lovely warmth igniting parts of Shoma that hadn’t been stirred by any other. 

Shoma had also worked himself up when they had been making out. His mind drifted to earlier, when they had just gotten past the hotel room door. He had immediately gotten on his knees for Yuzuru and brought him release. And though he had been aroused, he hadn’t touched himself. His own paltry touches could not compare when he had Yuzuru in the flesh and more than willing to touch Shoma like he was now.

“Shoma, look at me.”

Shoma startles and laid his eyes hazily upon the glorious sight between his legs instead.

Yuzuru must have noticed him closing his eyes, focusing on the sensations coursing through his body, mind wandering. His thoughts were fogged with lust and endorphins.

Yuzuru’s searing touches anchored him, while they also, ironically, sent him adrift. 

He stares at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru stares back at him seductively, eyes half-lidded as he bows his head and closes his mouth around him. He is surrounded by heat. Shoma is drifting away, his vision is filled with white and the image of Yuzuru swallowing him down.

 

 

 

In the aftermath, Yuzuru holds Shoma close.

Breathing heavily still, they lay there in a pile of entangled limbs and sheets. Yuzuru’s  arm was wrapped around Shoma securely. A little more and Yuzuru’s face would be buried at the crook of Shoma’s neck. Shoma felt  warmth washing over sensitive skin. His heart pounded at the intimacy of their position. 

 

Shoma doesn’t know whether he loved or loathed their position. For one, he was facing away from Yuzuru while the other is clutching him tightly. He wants to glance at Yuzuru’s face in that moment. He wants to know what the other thought.

He was cradling Shoma as if he were something to be cherished, as if he weren’t a dirty little secret, as if he were his lover.

_ His lover.  _ Yuzuru had never clearly defined their relationship. This was murky territory that Shoma did not dare to cross while he spent time with Yuzuru for fear of driving the other away completely. He didn’t think he would be one for labels, but Shoma thinks it would have been comforting if Yuzuru had referred to himself as his lover even as a term of endearment.  His temples and heart throb. It’s infuriating. He almost wishes Yuzuru would break the embrace to lessen the intimacy, or slip away from the bed and tell Shoma he would go sleep in his own room. Yuzuru’s holding him as if afraid Shoma would disappear when Shoma knows that he would always come back to Yuzuru despite the rational parts of his brain and the barely intact fragments of his heart telling him to leave.

He was facing the part of the wall that held the windows, and idly, he noticed he hadn’t closed the curtains properly, leaving light to seep through the gap and illuminating their naked skin. He imagines gazing at Yuzuru’s skin left exposed and glistening with sweat while bathed in moonlight. 

Shoma can’t help it. He shifts under Yuzuru’s grasp which  had grown lax, and turns to face him. 

His eyes widen, perusing each detail.

Yuzuru is  beautiful. He surpassed what Shoma had envisioned he would look earlier. He looked so content, eyes closed and a small smile on his swollen lips. The faint light shone on his pale skin. He was ethereal. Yuzuru was simply breathing there, and yet he was still taking Shoma’s breath away.

Was it some sort of punishment? Seeing Yuzuru like this, so beautiful, so open, and so human while he was lying down next to Shoma drove Shoma insane. It should have been enough. Shoma should have been satisfied with this, spending a night with Yuzuru and sharing his bed, but the thought of having tentative goodbyes and unspoken words between them the next day. He wanted more.

He had wanted something more with Yuzuru even before they had started this game of dancing around each other, being intimate but only in physical terms.. He didn’t just want to be someone to warm Yuzuru’s bed. He wants everything Yuzuru could give. Shoma wants him to share his triumphs, his losses. He wants Yuzuru to freely confide in Shoma, and not like he had been doing before as a friend who would open up about their emotions, but as equals, as lovers. He longs to comfort Yuzuru without this imaginary boundary between them. It wasn’t enough to be intimate in the bedroom while outside they were only friends and teammates. 

Shoma needs to know that Yuzuru wanted more than what they had, too. He needs to know whether Yuzuru could open his heart to Shoma, too. He needs to know that he had not been deluding himself while thinking that Yuzuru would one day reciprocate how he felt, and their relationship would just seamlessly fall into place. 

Shoma wants so much more between them. Each time, Yuzuru would call out to Shoma when they saw each other, how he would smile at him, how they would laugh together, and how he would clutch Shoma’s hands—

Those little things made Shoma want Yuzuru more and more.

He was burning with the desire to know if Yuzuru wanted more between them.  Shoma didn’t want to think what would happen if he lost Yuzuru, if he demanded to know what exactly were they to each other. He deserves to at least, know if he had a chance at Yuzuru’s heart, and that he wasn’t a fool for thinking they could be more all this time. He couldn’t take it anymore. He was burning with the desire to know if Yuzuru wants more between them. 

He needs to know if Yuzuru loves him.

He breaks the silence. 

"Did you ever love me?” Shoma whispers. His voice is hoarse, words scraping out of his throat. 

His hands are trembling as he grasps the sheets.  Shoma closes his eyes, afraid of Yuzuru’s reaction. A drum pounds  in his chest, and a pit of dread grows in his stomach as seconds turn to minutes. If Yuzuru didn’t want more, it would taint the time they had spent with each other. Hours, days, and months with Yuzuru which had passed in a blissful haze would bleed into painful memories.

The silence is answer enough.

(Perhaps, in another life, Yuzuru would laugh his doubts away, kiss him and answer with, “Of course I love you Shoma.” Shoma would have smiled and said those words back, and they would fall asleep together peacefully, knowing the other would still be there when the sun rose.)

Shoma expects it to hurt. 

He expects a lot of things to come with his first heartbreak. He had read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies centered around this topic while wishing it would never happen to him. He expects a horrible tearing pain on his chest as if his heartstrings had snapped. He expects a sob to force itself out of his throat. He expects tears to well up in his eyes.  

But it doesn’t. 

His hands clench the sheets harder, and his throat has closed up, but Shoma doesn’t cry. He doesn’t feel the sting of tears building behind his still closed eyelids. All Shoma is left with an aching sense of hollowness. This is what he had wanted: confirmation. 

_ Yuzuru did not love him. He never had. _

He opens his eyes, and the vision of Yuzuru Hanyu doesn’t even pain him. Yuzuru’s loose grasp on him just instills a growing loneliness despite how physically close they were and makes him feel even more empty.

Shoma had known. He knew it all along. Being able to stay close with Yuzuru had been ephemeral. All those months he’d done his part playing Yuzuru’s game, opening up to someone who had been emotionally closed off from the start. Something in Yuzuru’s dark eyes, even as his mouth smiled at him, always made Shoma hesitant to utter those words for fear Yuzuru wouldn’t say it back. 

He had always been afraid of this happening. He had never voiced those fears, leaving them to stew in a corner of his mind.

_ What if Yuzuru doesn’t want more? What if he can’t love me? Am I even worthy of it? _

His fears hadn’t just been the product of an anxious mind, after all.

They were his reality.

 

The emptiness in his chest grows.  __

And yet, he stares up at the soft light glimmering on Yuzuru’s face. Shoma can’t bring himself to resent the other. He can’t blame Yuzuru for not loving him back. It wasn’t his fault there was something about himself  that made him unloveable.

_ I still love you. _

He closes the gap between them, as if drawn to the other.   Even as he burrows closer to the other, laying his head on Yuzuru’s chest and hearing his steady heartbeat, Yuzuru’s arm is still flung loosely around him.

Shoma closes his eyes. In Yuzuru’s embrace, Shoma can continue to pretend that they loved each other.

Just one more night. He could have this. Shoma can still have Yuzuru close to him before the other closed off in the morning.

He has to steel himself. Shoma will have to pretend he doesn’t love Yuzuru anymore, until that lie became truth, in a future that he couldn’t imagine happening. 

Close to slumber, he wishes that Yuzuru would stop transferring the warmth from his skin that travels to his  heart, when he knew he would be left cold and lonely again when the sun rose.

Embracing, he feels apart from Yuzuru more than ever.  

 

Yuzuru wakes up to Shoma using his chest as pillow.

He doesn’t know how exactly they had gotten in this position. They must have moved in the middle of the night. It feels nice. Shoma’s head was against his chest, and he just felt so familiar that it made something in Yuzuru’s chest ache with fondness and warmth where Shoma was pressed against him.  

Shoma feels so comforting.

He pauses, running his hands through messy strands of hair and grabbing a pillow. He takes care to place a pillow under Shoma’s head before he slips away, disentangling himself from the sheets. He manages to not wake Shoma somehow, which was good. He didn’t want to disturb the other especially when he looked so peaceful. 

He smiles fondly at the sight on the bed. Shoma looks angelic. The sheets were tangled with his legs.  The beam of sunlight from the window illuminates his face with a golden glow and brings out the lighter streaks of brown in dark hair. His mouth is slightly parted. His chest rose and fell with even breaths. Yuzuru could see purple and red marks littered across his neck and chest from his own touches the night before that makes his mind and something else stir.

Shoma is so beautiful

Yuzuru badly wants to kiss him.

He wants to slide back into bed, beside Shoma and lull himself back to slumber with the steady sounds of his heartbeat and Shoma’s merging together.

He wants them to wake up together. He wants to laze around in bed a little more, wake up in each other’s embrace. He wants them to eat breakfast together, hear Shoma’s laugh, and see his adorable blush when Yuzuru tries to feed him.

Yuzuru wants to stay.

But he knows he should leave. 

He still had to pack. It was the end of the road for the ice show, and he had left packing to the last minute because days had been so enjoyable and blissful that he didn’t want to face the reality that things were ending. Packing up his belongings was something that made the fact that he would leave and not see his friends and Shoma in the flesh  until competitions started all too real for him. Now he regrets not packing during the free time he had previously. He frowns. He could have spent more time with Shoma.

Shoma frowns in his sleep, eyebrows scrunched. Yuzuru wonders if it’s from the lack of warmth or the light from outside shining behind those closed eyelids, steadily growing brighter. Yuzuru can’t have that, so he carefully grabs the sheets tangled around those limbs. He lets his eyes trail across Shoma’s exposed flesh marked from Yuzuru’s passion the night before  and covers him with a blanket.

He gathers his clothes that had pooled on the floor carelessly last night and dresses himself. He thinks he feels oddly colder with them on than he had been naked and surrounded by Shoma’s warmth and comfort with the sheets tangled around them. He shakes his head at that strange thought. His mind must still be hazy from sleep. 

It was getting sunnier outside, and the bright rays of light were causing Shoma to stir faintly, so he makes sure to close the gap in the curtains, leaving the room dim.

He glances back one more time longingly at the bed. Shoma looks so small alone. Yuzuru wishes again that he was there with Shoma.

_ Goodbye, Shoma. _

Yuzuru is quiet as he leaves. He closes the door carefully, and it slides shut with a sense of finality.

 

 

 

When Shoma wakes, the sheets are cold.

He feels cold, too. He glances around the room. There was no trace of Yuzuru left visible. It’s as if he had never been there. 

Last night, hadn’t been a fantasy turned wrong or a nightmare then. 

The hollow feeling in his chest is easily explained as memories of what had transpired last night flash through his mind. Shoma doesn’t know why he feels so disappointed. He had expected it, anticipated what would happen.He reaches for the phone on the nightstand and stares at the time and the lack of message alerts.

Yuzuru had just left.

_ "Of course, he had,"  _ Shoma thinks bitterly. Finally, he could feel it. That sting of tears. They spilled down his cheeks. He’s thankful Yuzuru wasn’t here to see his reaction.

There was nothing left for Yuzuru to take when he had given all he could offer last night. He had given his body, his heart. But they hadn’t been enough.

He sits up, letting the sheets pool around him. He glances down at the newly uncovered skin, noting all the marks littered on his skin— red and purple and there to stay for a few days until they would eventually fade.

They would never have another night like that again. The moment when silence had been the reply to Shoma’s question, he knew he wouldn’t be able have to Yuzuru like that again. Even if Yuzuru had propositioned him after, Shoma would not have been able to say yes. Yuzuru didn’t want anything more than physical intimacy while Shoma wanted so much more. He couldn’t even fool himself into thinking that maybe Yuzuru would change his mind if they spent more time together, if Shoma took care to break down those walls surrounding that heart. 

Yuzuru didn’t want him. Yuzuru didn’t love him.

Yuzuru was cruel like that. 

He couldn’t even spend another night with the other anymore. That was all the other would be willing to give, and he couldn’t bear to be physically intimate with someone who doesn’t harbor the same feelings he does. It would just rub salt into the wound, being so close physically while their hearts couldn’t be further apart, so Shoma has nothing anymore. Shoma wants to hate him. But he knows he couldn’t. It wasn’t Yuzuru’s fault that he hadn't fallen in love with him as Shoma had hoped. 

In a daze, he began to gather what belongings he still hadn’t packed , trying to focus on anything else other than that growing void in his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated :) Stay tuned for the next update and more angst.


End file.
